Eighty-seven percent of Americans are dissatisfied with the current state of affairs in the United States, according to a new Gallup poll. That number seems very low. I’m no math-magician, but it seems that would suggest that 13 percent of people in this nation in this reality are satisfied with what’s going on in this timeline at this juncture and, like the woman in the diner in When Harry Met Sally, I’ll have what they’re having. The satisfaction number is the lowest it’s been since November 2011, which means that even as recently as last month (which lasted approximately 74 years) there were a number of people who looked around and said “Yeah, I feel okay about all of this” and, like Sally Field when comparing the long distance running capacities of herself and her daughter in Steel Magnolias, I just want to know why.
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Who are these people and what channel are they watching? Even the This Is Fine dog is like “Okay, this is definitely not fine and actually I was being sardonic in my original comment. This has never been fine. It’s hard to communicate tone over the internet. Someone come get me please; the room is literally on fire and also I’m not sure if I’m pulling off this hat or not so I’m just feeling insecure all around.” I like to imagine the Gallup pollster was someone’s salt-of-the-earth uncle who rang up people and said “Hey, how youse doin? Just a quick question: What do you think of the situation and whatnot?” And 87 percent of respondents replied with the Meryl Streep screaming in Big Little Lies meme whilst 13 percent of respondents sent the unsuspecting uncle the Meryl Streep in the hurricane in Devil Wears Prada meme.
Why so many references to TV and movies that came out years ago? Because the present is bad. I am part of the 87 percent! I could really use some follow-up questioning of this 13 percent, though. These people replied that they were satisfied with the way things were going. That’s so much more than just being okay with things. They’re not learning to accept how things are going; they’re not working through how things are going in therapy; they’re not visualizing themselves as a pebble in a stream. They are satisfied. They look at the president, wild-eyed and tossing Microsoft Excel chart printouts at a bemused Australian man while shouting “We’re last, which means we’re first!” and these survey respondents were like “Ah! Wonderful. No notes!”
Who are these people? I need names. Let’s look at potential suspects.
While you can never really tell what your friends, neighbors, and co-hosts are thinking—as is proven by the NextDoor app and also all of American history—I think we can safely rule out one person: Angelica Schuyler. Famously not satisfied. She sang a whole song about it, which could have been a diversionary tactic but the formal inventiveness alone leads me to believe she meant it. Dissatisfaction is kind of the whole brand. Don’t even bother polling Angelica Schuyler about whether she is one of the Americans who are satisfied. She’ll be like “Do you not have Disney+? I have literally been belting about how not satisfied I am eight times a week for years. You really got on Alexander Graham Bell’s phone lines to waste your breath with this query? Hang up immediately. I’m sailing off the London. I will not be returning unless there is some ill-advised and totally avoidable scandal that involves extortion and writing a book report about adultery.”
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So, that’s one American that we don’t have to question. But literally everyone else is a possibility. Trust no one. You closest loved one could be just sitting there satisfied with ::gestures broadly:: Can you imagine?! We’re in the middle of a national debate wherein one side’s argument is “a strip of cloth is taking away my Constitutional rights”, the climate continues to change because as it turns out the real villain was massive companies with names like Globe Murderer Incorporated, LLC, we only got half a season of The Good Fight, and, to top it all off, I don’t know when I’m going to get to see the Christopher Nolan film TENET in theaters as God intended! Does this look like satisfaction to you?!
Who could possibly be satisfied? The easy answer would be Trump and his band of Hamburglars but have you seen those people? They’re miserable! Which, like, good. But they’re definitely not responding to a Gallup survey claiming to be satisfied. Chances are they’re not responding to any survey that they don’t already know the answers to anyway.
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Hm, who else? David Geffen has been quarantining onboard his $590 million yacht since April so I’d wager he’s probably in the 13 percent. Then again, if you’ve seen one sunset over the horizon, you’ve seen them all. What if he’s gotten bored? Is this a possibility? I haven’t been on a yacht since my family lost its fortune to Beanie Babies (Beanie Babies was the name of a local con artist who convinced us to invest in Furbies). So, that’s one. David Geffen: potentially satisfied but only if the sunset jazzes it up a bit.
Are you satisfied? How dare you? I thought we knew each other! Are you basically chill with things and such? Are you happy and you know and clapping your hands? Are you technically alive? Outrageous!
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