There are many rumors swirling around the internet that People has declared Michael B. Jordan the 2020 Sexiest Man Alive and I need to shut all that conversation down because it is not true. I’m not saying that Michael B. Jordan isn’t very sexy, but I do take issue with People coming in here late and loud acting like they discovered this fact when actually I was the first to report on the “Michael B. Jordan is sexy” beat in 2017. Can we get some respect in the field of thirst journalism, here? Additionally, the rumors that People is breaking new ground with this announcement are unfounded because everyone knows that the only choice for 2020’s sexiest man alive is the massively depressed Christmas tree that just shambled into Rockefeller Center.
In a media landscape hungry for evergreen content, this ramshackle collection of branches is king. Though this tree puts the blue in blue spruce, it is trying its best and I think that’s brave. I also think this crestfallen conifer is the closest thing we’re going to get to sexy this year. I mean, look around you. This is the year that grey sweatpants season lasted nine months yet none of us were outside to see it. We spent all of election week thirst-tweeting about a pair of GAP khakis. We’re spiraling! And you know what else is spiraling? This tree that does not have a discernible center of gravity.
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We went from the Glamour Duck in Central Park in 2018 to the Struggle Tree at 30 Rock in 2020 and, truly, nothing is more apt. This tree is the visual representation of a heavy sigh. This tree is whatever the opposite of a deep fake is. “Yes,” you might say to me, “all that is true. But why is this tree the sexiest man alive, though?” My answer: It’s tall. Next question. How do we know this tree is a man? Well, it’s deeply mediocre yet it got a promotion, so you do the math.
There is truly nothing more apropos for this year than putting up this try-hard tree for public viewing in a city where public gatherings are banned for safety reasons. Let’s celebrate marking yourself as “present”!
This tree is the like starting a Zoom meeting by asking “How’s everyone doing today?” This tree is permanently on mute. This tree is like logging on to Netflix looking for Gillian Anderson in Sex Education and getting Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher in The Crown. This tree showed up like Happy Holidays Question Mark.
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Why am I reading a tree for filth? I’m not! I love this tree! This tree looks like how I feel and I am both attacked and enamored. And that’s sexy. I saw this tree and my only reaction was “Huh.” Honestly, that’s the most positive emotion I’ve had in months. This tree boosted my serotonin level by a fraction of a percent and I’m out in the street banging pots and pans.
You ever see a tree so deeply un-enchanted? This tree, which is nature’s version of putting up sad song lyrics on an AOL Instant Messenger Away screen, was already offered a slot competing on the next season of Nailed It! the baking show for people who have literally never seen a baked good or an oven before. And you know what’s sexy: staying booked and busy so let’s hear it for this very sad, gainfully employed tree!
Also, this struggle tree was hiding this gorgeous ingenue owl in its branches, which is like when you find a good dessert at a lackluster buffet. Maybe there’s hope for the future yet. Hot Owl 2021!
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Soon, they’re going to put this Miss Vanj-tree in holiday drag and make it lip-sync for it’s life. No, it will not wow us, but, yes, we have already become obsessed with it for no reason whatsoever. This is the tree of life as it currently stands. I love this melanchol-tree!
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