Boy oh boy, am I pumped about the first presidential debate! I feel like I have waited all of my life to see Joe Biden and Donald Trump go head-to-head in an empty arena at opposite ends of a large stage for safety reasons. At least it feels like I’ve been waiting all of my life, but upon further investigation it seems I’ve only been waiting the last two weeks, which is somehow longer. Time is an illusion and this is purgatory and tonight on Purgatory TV+: a debate! I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to be tuning in to watch Donald Trump tell people whose primary form of social interaction is the NextDoor app that “antifas” from “the city” are on their way to spray paint “Black Lives Matter” on every marble kitchen island in the cul-de-sac. The height of discourse!
It is my sincere hope that the people who are tuning in because they are still undecided between Joe Biden and a barely sentient burning cross made of bounced checks find whatever they’re looking for. A portal to this dimension? Whatever it is, I hope this debate prompts them to loudly exclaim, “Oh, wow. Points were made. Time to start deliberating, Wilson.” (They are saying this to Wilson the volleyball because, I presume, they’ve been stranded on an island without access to news or memes for at least four years. Come back soon!)
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While the likelihood is high that the first 2020 debates will end up looking like one of those segments on a late night talk show between Jack Hanna and an absolutely chaotic jaguar, there are a few things that Wilson and I are hoping to see.
- Trump gets so tired of Biden bringing up his absolutely abysmal financial situation, his huge contested tax refund, and the $421 million in loans he owes and so he’s like “Fine, will it make you happy if I pay it back?” And Biden is like “I mean, yes, obviously.” So Trump pulls out a credit card (ridiculous). And then a waiter comes over and says the card has been declined and cuts it in half like a scene out of a 1980s movie. Miss Piggy is also there. I haven’t really worked out why. Maybe she’s the restaurant manager. She can just improvise, it’s fine.
- Silence. Like, they’re both like, “Aren’t you all tired? We’re so tired.” And then they just sit on stage and listen to the sounds of a distant ocean rapidly rising.
- Kamala Harris tags in like it’s a WWF match. She has her own handheld microphone. Somebody in the crowd yells, “Black women will save us!” And everybody else is like, “Stop that nonsense. Save yourself. Let Black women live, damn.”
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- Trump and Biden discuss what they think the plot of the new Dolly Parton/Christine Baranski/Jenifer Lewis holiday movie is. Trump thinks Baranski’s character is the hero despite the fact that she has villain hair and is holding an eviction notice on the poster. Miss Piggy explains that these are not good things and Trump finally learns the real meaning of Christmas.
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- The audience is made up of people on large screens Zooming in from their homes like they’re doing now on Ellen.
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Throughout the debate, every single person is interrupted by their dog. Soon, every screen has a dog snout on it. The debate continues in front of an audience made up completely of dogs. There are no humans. The dogs are have made up their minds.
- The moderator, Chris Wallace, asks Trump point blank, “Are you planning to steal the election?” and Trump says “Yes, obviously.” And then everyone is like, “Wow, okay, what now?” A bunch of Republican senators are quick to say he was joking but then Trump yells, “No, I am serious. Why does no one take me seriously? I am incredibly dangerous and I keep telling you that.” But the Republican senators just laugh really loudly to drown him out. This is Trump’s supervillain origin story. He transforms into The Seriouser. People are sort of over Batman reboots right now so he loses the election.
- A fly gets into the studio and no one can catch it and it becomes deeply distracting. The turning point of the night is the reveal that the fly talks like comedian Vinny Thomas. Trump and Biden debate the fly’s accent (“Castillian?” -Joe Biden.) The fly becomes a viable third party candidate. And that’s American history, baby!
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- Biden and Trump get flu shots live on television while wearing masks. They don’t say a word. They just take their medicine and go. A re-run of Big Bang Theory plays.
- Boar on the floor.
- The FBI raids the place like it’s the end of Clue. They take Trump away. Biden’s like “So, does this mean I win?” Chris Wallace says “No, unfortunately, we must play this out until the bitter end, despite the myriad of disqualifying actions, statements, and controversies. It’s part of our deal with Purgatory TV+. Only five more weeks to go!”
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